Rectum-centered medicine is no joke

Chances are, you've seen doctors with different philosophies. This guy might be a DO, this lady an MD. Some keep statistics on frequent lab tests, others prefer natural compounds, others are eager to sell you that whole-body scan.

The Navy (which provides its own medical service, and provides the same to the Marine Corps) has a different philosophy, rectum-centered medicine. This is the belief that all ailments can be diagnosed and treated by inserting the right object into your anus.

Friends have expressed skepticism that the Navy still uses rectal thermometers. Here is the Navy's rationale:

  • Rectal thermometers are more accurate.
  • Rectal thermometers can be used on conscious or unconscious patients, on infants or grandmas, on nerve gas victims, etc.
  • Mercury thermometers are light and don't run out of batteries.
  • Glass rods are inherently resistant to electromagnetic pulses.
  • Doctors need your core temperature, not some surrogate that's affected by the environment. For example, after I was pepper-sprayed, my skin temperature reached approximately 150 degrees F.
On November 17, 2015, a study was released proving the superiority of rectal thermometry:

https://annals.org/aim/article-abstract/2470325/accuracy-peripheral-thermometers-estimating-temperature-systematic-review-meta-analysis


November 17th is now celebrated throughout the Navy, a day comparable to Midway or when Nimitz pinned on that 5th star. That day is nearly as sacred to sailors at November 10th is to Marines.

It isn't surprising that Stepping Off contains many references to rectal thermometry, prostate exams, and colonoscopies, as the principal characters had 50 years of combined experience with Naval medicine. Gary:


Bottoms up.


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